whatever cliche livejournal title comes to your head first.

mood: depressed

music: Modern Girls and Old Fashioned Men by The Strokes and Regina Spektor

She says im a burden. Says she needs a break from me…she goes out when I tore my damn abdominal muscle AND now I found out I most likely have intestinal bleedage.   I have not been outside the house besides last Friday-Sunday…I missed homecoming game that we were dancing for [dance team]..and. I cant see my friends. I’ve endured my moms screaming and yelling and making everything my fault when its not and her lying.

I found out a bunch of stuff about my mom through a family friend last Saturday. I guess they got in a fight and dee [the family friend] needed to talk to someone and I was the one to pick up the phone when she called. Ended up talking to her for 2 hours. Ended up finding a bunch of stuff out. Things that greatly impact my life. How her actions towards me are not my fault and what she says to me and about me aren’t true. I’m not a bad kid. Im not a liar.   I am not a bad kid. I am not a bad kid..

As soon as we got off the phone I started crying. I was so confused and felt so betrayed and angry and hurt and upset… didn’t know who to believe anymore. But later that night my dad needed firewood so we had a late night grocery store run. We ended up driving for around for an hour and talking and stuff. Then something hit me. And from it I became strong. Really strong, really mature, really confident, really on top of things.

mood: awake

music: rihanna

tonight was great.

megan and i ran 4 miles.
from like 10pm-11ish pm..
yes at night.
we only got a 5 minute break.

it was so awesome.at the beginning i felt so free.  like i hadnt a care in the world.  i was just purely happy.  and then i couldnt breathe well haha.  but i persisted.  endurance.endurance.endurance.   just another block.  just up until that tree.  just up until that stoplight.  we can do it megan!! we can do it!!  and we did it.  we fucking did it.  we didnt give up.  we are warriors.  of course she told me we ran 4 miles after we finished.  then she told me that cross country meets go up to 3 miles.  0_0..    but man.  it was so exhilerating.  i havent run since 9th grade and could barely do a lap around the track without giving up.  but no.  i didnt give up this time.  towards the end i wanted to but i just thought of everything that made me mad..it pumped me up and gave me adrenaline to push myself.  megan and i supported each other.  we rock.  im aktually proud of myself for not giving up.  and i dont think i wouldve been able to do it without megan.  she's the best best friend a girl could ever ask for.



for some reason i still have a deep deep weird feeling in my stomach.  that something bad will happen or has happened.  it scares me.  i hope im just wrong and just being my stupid paranoid short self concious self.


3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12   -thursday.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 -friday..

friday at 5 im leaving for the airport..  to go on the trip that ive been most excited for and most fearful of.  im so nervous.  and josh is nervous that in the middle of it we'll stop liking each other.  i know i wont stop liking him in the middle of the trip.  but it breaks my heart so bad everytime he says something like that.  im a stupid fucking romantic =/..and i get so attatched to people sometimes..it's terrible.  i dont want us to end.

but the trip...im..it's a weird feeling.  something that ive been looking forward to for months is coming in..39 hours..
and of course when that time comes im going to have second thoughts and want to go back..then i'll get totally STOKED OFF MY ASS.  it's how it usually happens.
i hope this trip goes well.
i really hope nothing bad happens.
i hope our flight is safe.
i hope josh and i still feel the same about each other during/after the trip.
i hope josh and my relationship get better with each other during/after the trip.
i hope everything goes well.
i hope nothing bad happens.

man im so scared...im so so scared...
this is an exciting thing right?  yeah.  the outcome?  i hope it's a very good outcome.

mood: awake

music: under the serpent sun by at the gates

home alone again...

im aktually happy i have time to write in this.  i feel relieved that my mom's not home and hasnt been cuz shes either at work or with her boyfriend and not home going crazy on me.  but i guess i cant help but feel neglected.

I MISS MY BOOBS!!!! COME BACK!!!why is it when i lose weight my boobs shrink too -_-..and even when i gain weight they dont come back -_-....i miss my D's man..

yesterday was pretty much terrible.it progressively got worse. today's a new day and so far it's going alright *knock on wood*.

im way too clingy.i need to stop that shit.  i guess its that i tend to lose friends cuz i make the wrong friends  that i tend to cling on to the ones i have.  for some reason all of high school it went like this:

ex boyfriend and his friends cuz i met my ex in summer school when i first moved to moorpark..
got dumped.
josh and sarah and james and jordan..
james broke off their group..
sarah and josh started going out.
broke up.
sarah was cool.
chilled with her her ex john and jordan and gave into her manipulations.
josh was still cool.
chilled with stu and james.
josh and sarah got together again.
chilled with that group again.
^-----sophmore year.

chilled with sarah and josh and jordan at the beginning of the year.
sarah started spreading shit. like im a flirt and have been flirting iwth josh WHEN I HAVE A BOYFRIEND MIND YOU.
ate lunch alone in aronoff's for a few months.
[i didnt mind. hes the best teacher ive ever had.]..
[apparently all that shit happened when she found out josh had a major crush on me during sophmore year.].
off and on lunch with them.
ate with johnny in aronoffs.
ate with nat.
ate with johnny and nat in aronoff's...
i told nat something i didnt want anyone to know and she went and told people anywayz even though ive kept all her bullshit, paid for her shit, helped her through her breakup, hooked her up with some guy, was always there for her even though she never helped me...even during dance team tryouts she offered to help and txted ppl using MY PHONE "help me im bored!!save me!!!"..when she offered to helped me...ugh.
^-------junior year.

now im chilling with megan and michael who arent queen b's and dont treat me like their bitch.
i love them <3..i hope it all works out.
i think im chilling with megan during lunch cuz michael has aca deca all year..and that apparently takes over your life...0_0..

im happy with the people i have in my life right now.
completely.
i dont want it to change.

josh's birthday is tomorrow.
i need to get better.
NOW.
0_0..